I am compelled to write a warning to all those people who spent their childhood in the eighties and nineties surrounded by hyper-colour shirts and happy pants:

Don't ever watch the movies you loved when you were twelve years old. No matter how nostalgic you feel, no matter how drunk you are, leave the classics on the shelves.

I'm writing this because of a recent visit to my parent's house. I found, still in the original wrapping, a DVD I had given my older brother as a gag gift. The movie was 'American Ninja', a flick that inspired some wicked ninja battles in our lounge room, in the back yard and on the streets. I can't recall how many of these movies there were but we had seen them all, hundreds of times. We were obsessed.

So I'd given him American Ninja in the hope that he'd have a laugh. But it remained unused and unopened. "The ungrateful bastard", I steamed. In a huff, I took it home and watched it myself. Sober. And wide awake.

Big mistake. Dreadful doesn't didn't do it justice. Terrible music, crap acting, terrible plot, (insulting even...about a hundred or so ninjas began to be afraid of the "strange new ninja" only when they realised he was an American), and silly stunts, (our star jumps a motorcycle over a wall using a ramp he could have used simply to climb over it...).

What I had always remembered as a GREAT action movie, I now look upon as similar to that David Hasselhoff you tube video. You know, the one his daughter took of him trying to eat a burger while hammered. Funny yes, but also very, very sad.

So, I found myself apologising to my big brother. You were right to leave it alone.