I am compelled to write a warning to all those people who spent their childhood in the eighties and nineties surrounded by hyper-colour shirts and happy pants:

Don't ever watch the movies you loved when you were twelve years old. No matter how nostalgic you feel, no matter how drunk you are, leave the classics on the shelves.

I'm writing this because of a recent visit to my parent's house. I found, still in the original wrapping, a DVD I had given my older brother as a gag gift. The movie was 'American Ninja', a flick that inspired some wicked ninja battles in our lounge room, in the back yard and on the streets. I can't recall how many of these movies there were but we had seen them all, hundreds of times. We were obsessed.

So I'd given him American Ninja in the hope that he'd have a laugh. But it remained unused and unopened. "The ungrateful bastard", I steamed. In a huff, I took it home and watched it myself. Sober. And wide awake.

Big mistake. Dreadful doesn't didn't do it justice. Terrible music, crap acting, terrible plot, (insulting even...about a hundred or so ninjas began to be afraid of the "strange new ninja" only when they realised he was an American), and silly stunts, (our star jumps a motorcycle over a wall using a ramp he could have used simply to climb over it...).

What I had always remembered as a GREAT action movie, I now look upon as similar to that David Hasselhoff you tube video. You know, the one his daughter took of him trying to eat a burger while hammered. Funny yes, but also very, very sad.

So, I found myself apologising to my big brother. You were right to leave it alone.

Where would you go in time if you could?

The concept of time travel has been written, filmed and produced to death. But I will pose the question again as it has been on my mind for some time...Where would you go in time if you could. Imagine you are a tourist and can travel to anywhere in time. Would you marvel at a young Great Pyramid or perhaps witness one of the great battles? Or maybe even at the beginning of the universe to unravel that pesky creation myth.

However, as a new father of a daughter not quite at her first birthday, I believe I would journey back to my own childhood. I have nothing but happy memories of that age when the world was a gigantic playground and my parents were the ultimate protectors. I would love to see them as accomplished human beings and watch them doing what they did best with older, appreciative eyes.

It's a journey that I can really only make in my mind but when I come back they are still the ultimate protectors and they are still more than mere human beings.

In fact, I think I'll call mum now.